Man, it's been awhile. Grad school and teaching college classes is really keeping me busy, and I've greatly missed writing a new post or two each month. But, today I'm going through some old research assignments and came across some interesting, compelling, and maybe even some troublesome information.
I've written before about my attitudes toward graduate school and the struggles with still living at home, as well as the head-banging instances that so often happen while pursuing a Masters Degree and undergoing plans for future career endeavors. Last year, after taking a year off between undergrad and graduate school, I made the tough decision to move back home with mom and dad to help offset some of the financial burdens of returning to college. Grad school--as well as moving back home with mommy and daddy--has its ups and downs. There's some things I truly love and appreciate, but there are things that I really have to sacrifice: school is my full time job, so living at home is literally keeping me afloat. Had I been living on my own, I'd be racking up some serious debt. On the flip side, however, it's difficult to experience personal freedom, and then only to return home to have those freedoms restricted. No matter how old we get, we still have to adhere to the rules of the house, and that's probably one of the biggest challenges, other than struggling through what seems to be an identity crisis, of returning home.
But let's consider a statement that I've come across while reading about intergenerational family communication. The 21st century has experienced some demographic changes such has high unemployment rates, divorce, and other economic struggles, to name a few. When faced with such challenges, Fowler and Fisher (2015) have claimed that "adult children may become 'boomerang kids' who return to the parental home"... and "parents' life satisfaction was reduced if they perceived their grown children as needing too much assistance" (p. 207).
When I read this assertion I couldn't help but ruminate on a wave of negative thoughts. While I so often try to keep my head up, have faith, and dig deep to find the light at the end of the tunnel, this statement only reinforced everything that I really worry about at this point in my life. I immediately stopped and thought, "greeeaattt. Not only am I a boomerang kid but my lack of financial success or hiatus in my career endeavors may be influencing my parents' life satisfaction. I. Am. Awesome..."
Okay, yes, it's a negative response. But let's consider some of the factors that are causing individuals in a similar position like mine to negatively appraise such statements. First and foremost, in a society that places high values on and expectations for individualism, it is hard to measure up to the cultural norms. Especially being a member in a generation of young and emerging adults, we tend to place our priorities on achieving autonomy and establishing individual identity and maintaining personal freedom (Fowler and Fisher, 2015). But, it is difficult for these priorities to come to fruition when we are returning to the nest.
Second--and I am most to blame for this--we are comparing ourselves to our peers whom, we believe, have reached an adequate level of initial "success." Whoever defined success anyway? We have these ideas about what's supposed to make us successful during young adulthood: moving out, job security, income stability, viable transportation, and a relationship. And by God, if we haven't checked off a majority of that list, we feel a sense of failure.
So, when we stop to think about these factors--struggling to live up to the cultural norms and comparing ourselves to our "successful" peers--we might start feeling a bit inadequate. And then to read statements claiming that people like us may be negatively shaping our parents' life satisfaction creates a vicious cycle of self-depreciating thoughts. I remember when I read this statement that my dad actually happened to walk in the door, so I read it out loud to him. His response?
"Well, instead of reading me some fluffy research, why don't you just ask me whether or not I'm satisfied?"
Like we often do, dad and I had a long talk on the matter, and he made it very clear that he actually enjoys having me at home. But, he does understand why I get so upset about being a 26-year old who still lives at home, struggling to find a place in this world and to settle into a career; and he understands why other parents might struggle with satisfaction, especially if their children aren't actually working toward anything and taking advantage of mommy and daddy.
So, staying in this negative frame of mind only makes the situation worse. I've learned the hard way. I'm still there... Unless we do fall into that minority of boomerang kids who are NOT working toward anything and are only taking advantage of mommy and daddy,we need to practice some cognitive restructuring. We need to realize that we are one of many in this same position, and that our time will eventually come. It's the waiting that's the hard part. It's having patience that's the biggest challenge. There IS a light at the end of the tunnel, and we must hold on to faith that we will get there, and it will all be worth it in the end.
Lastly, we are competing with nobody other than ourselves. So unless your current financial and career endeavors are lack-luster, you are in pretty good shape. It's a difficult concept to accept, but I continually have to restructure these negative thoughts and remind myself about what it is I'm working so hard for. I made the choice to pursue this long path, and one day very soon it will all pay off.
I'll leave you with something my dad always tells me, and it really helps to put everything into perspective:
It's not how you start; it's how you finish.
Keep calm and carry on. Happy Monday!
~Elizabeth
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