Car Accidents, God, and the Reminder to Slow Down

The fact that this is my first post in a VERY long time brings to light the underlying message this story will convey…

It’s 5 minutes till noon.  In one hour I’ll have a classroom full of anxious students preparing to deliver their first speeches in my public speaking course.  Yesterday, I would have been complaining on and on, anticipating all of the students who would be emailing me outlines and requesting help at the last minute, only to complain more that after multiple attempts to send along helpful resources, their assignments still need a lot of work.  But, that’s to be expected in an introductory course...

Right now, instead of preparing for class and scrambling to get things done, I am typing away at the keyboard.  My desk is a mess and there’s a pile of responsibilities and “To-Do” post it notes randomly placed along the wall or wherever they could claim a free spot on this cluttered desk.  

That’s because this morning at 6:50 AM I got into a car accident.  Luckily, I am okay.  I was rear ended pretty hard and pushed into another car in front of me.  I am certain I’ll feel a little bit of whiplash and soreness come tomorrow morning.  When I heard the squealing tires behind me, I looked through my rear view mirror and saw the oncoming car approaching me.  I knew what was next.  Instead, everything played out in slow motion. There was nowhere to go and I prepared to be hit.  Even though I was prepared for the hit, I still screamed and I couldn’t stop shaking.  Although I am not seriously injured, car accidents—big or small—always seem to be scary.  Fortunately, I am okay.  But it could have been worse.

What I realized today is everything that I’m doing wrong. As soon as I was hit, one of my first thoughts was that I would not make it to my 8AM class to grade speeches.  I immediately began thinking about how I’d have to rearrange my schedule and the inconvenience the accident has caused. 

Suddenly, I stopped.

INCONVENIENCE?  Inconvenience, Elizabeth? Is THAT what you’re really worried about.  Immediately, my perspective changed. 

I accepted this event as a wake-up call from God to slow down.  Not just physically, but, mostly, mentally. For the past two months since I married the love of my life, moved out of state, and began a brand new job, my mind has been on overdrive.  I’ve been told that I’ve experienced three major life events in the matter of two months.  So, I’ve got that going for me.  These people weren’t kidding. 

I feel like I can’t seem to catch a break to just…. BREATHE. I feel as if I am constantly bobbing my head above the surface, gasping for air in the crazy thing called life.  I’m trying to meet new people, establish my personal and professional self in my new career and in my new town, be responsive and available to my anxious students, and still have the time for myself, and, most importantly, my husband.  Knowing this, I wrongly internalize it as something I can’t control, and I often feel like I need to be on the defensive, when that is not at all the case.

Though I know I’ve been extremely busy with my new career, I realize I need to begin prioritizing the important things in life.  I feel as if I’ve always done a pretty fair job at this, but, like I say, there’s always room for improvement. 

Lately, I’ve been taking my daily concerns with me to bed, tossing and turning and experiencing my first teacher nightmares.  I love my students.  I care about my students. I want them to succeed.  Sometimes I am told that I care too much, and I need to take care of my own health and my own sanity.  In fact, five of my own students this week had all acknowledged my “overdrive” and my immersion into my work:

“Mrs. G, you are working too hard.  Go home. It’s okay.”

“Man, Professor G, you’re having quite a week!  That is okay though.  Slow down and let God take care of things.”

“Mrs. G, you realize you sent out like, 6 emails this week?! Slow down! You’re going too fast and cutting corners.”

Here I am, thinking I usually have it together, but the smart ones see right through that.  Luckily, a lot of my students are pretty understanding. 

Today, my little car accident reminded me to put ME (and my family, of course) first.  God’s telling me I need to slow down. Back up the tires of my hurriedly driven mind, and just, STOP. BREATHE. RELAX.

Just, BE. To Trust in HIM.

It is often sad that it takes a tragic event to bring the important things into perspective.  Today was not tragic.  It wasn’t even remotely that bad considering injuries.  But it did shake me up.

I stopped. I listened. I learned.

With Confidence—through God—all things are Possible

I am a huge fan of The Daily Muse on Facebook.  Most of my time spent on Facebook is actually scrolling through the Newsfeed finding worthy articles for reading.  Most of these articles are published by The Muse.  My dad once told me that taking the time for some professional and personal development each day is very healthy for personal and professional growth.  I don’t research articles every day. I don’t spend hours reading professional magazines.  Every so often I might log a few hours at a time digging deeper into this professional research.  But typically, my idea of personal development is taking a few minutes each day reading through these articles that are conveniently published right on my News Feed.

Today’s Daily Muse article that I stumbled across was titled “7 Tips for Building Unstoppable Confidence in Everything You Do.”  And this really hit me hard.  Without a second thought, I opened it right away (as I often do with most of these articles).  If you don’t know much about me, I would say that my biggest weakness is that I struggle with self-confidence.  I know that I have a lot to offer this world, and I know what I am worth.  But when it gets down to the wire, my lack of confidence, or my fear of failure, often sets me back; and I often shy away from things because I am afraid. I get angry at myself for feeling so weak, for being so soft.  And then it turns into this vicious cycle of self depreciation.  And, we all know that’s ridiculously unhealthy. 

We’ve all had discussions about our strengths and weaknesses, and we all have one thing in mind that we might want to change about ourselves.  For me, that one thing has always been more confidence.  I honestly believe that, in addition to my accomplishments thus far, I could have excelled in many more opportunities and experiences—and perhaps taken on different jobs or pursued multiple career paths—if I had more confidence.  

So, this Daily Muse article really hit home for me.  Not that these weren’t things I didn’t already know, but it’s always nice to read some gentle reminders on how to be our best selves—personally, academically, and professionally.   The 7 Tips outlined in this article for building confidence were as follows, and the full article can be found here.  I strongly urge you all to read it, as well as to follow The Muse.  

1.       Stop Comparing Yourself to others

2.       Remember that the loudest is not the most confident

3.       Keep your limiting beliefs at bay

4.       Live in a positive reality

5.       Don’t mask it

6.       Change what you can

7.       Be fully committed 

These 7 tips were lovely reminders on how to continue building my own confidence.  Some days I feel unstoppable, and others, I unfortunately feel like I have little to offer.  It happens to the best of us.  

But one major aspect I’d like to personally add to this notion of building one’s confidence is how important, in my opinion, it is to keep God in our lives. There are some people who feel extremely confident and do not regard the need for God.  Well, to each his own.  But for me, I know that none of my accomplishments could have happened without God on my side.  

I once wrote a post titled “Why I’ve decided to let go and let God.”  Ever since I started allowing God to take control of my life, I feel more at peace.  Stronger.  Confident. 

But, that confidence doesn’t come easy.  There are days when I have to dig so deep, days when I feel like I’ll never find it.  That is why I pray to God daily to guide me in my actions, and to help me to be confident in the talents I’ve been so blessed with.  However, just as God does not give us patience, nor does He give us confidence.  Rather, we have opportunities to do so.  And, just as the Daily Muse wrote that we will not become” positive, self-confidence people overnight,” nor will God give us that confidence overnight.  

Building one’s self confidence is a gradual process.  It takes a lot of personal effort, and allowing God to help us along the way wouldn’t hurt.  Do not allow the devils of despair keep your own confidence from growing. Rather, let us invite God in our lives.  Let us stop doubting, stop worrying; and, rather, let us allow ourselves to continually welcome God in our lives, asking Him for help in building our faith, hope and courage.  

And, only then, do I truly believe that we are on the journey for continually building self-confidence. Many people believe that with confidence all things are possible. Expanding on that, I say, with confidence—through God—all things are possible. 

Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything; tell God your needs and don’t forget to thank him for his answers.  If you do this you will experience God’s peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will keep your thoughts and your hearts quiet and at rest as you trust in Christ Jesus ~ Philippians 4:6-7

With God all things are possible ~Matthew19:26

~Elizabeth 

Boomerang Kids: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

Man, it's been awhile.  Grad school and teaching college classes is really keeping me busy, and I've greatly missed writing a new post or two each month.  But, today I'm going through some old research assignments and came across some interesting, compelling, and maybe even some troublesome information. 

I've written before about my attitudes toward graduate school and the struggles with still living at home, as well as the head-banging instances that so often happen while pursuing a Masters Degree and undergoing plans for future career endeavors.  Last year, after taking a year off between undergrad and graduate school, I made the tough decision to move back home with mom and dad to help offset some of the financial burdens of returning to college.  Grad school--as well as moving back home with mommy and daddy--has its ups and downs.  There's some things I truly love and appreciate, but there are things that I really have to sacrifice: school is my full time job, so living at home is literally keeping me afloat.  Had I been living on my own, I'd be racking up some serious debt.  On the flip side, however, it's difficult to experience personal freedom, and then only to return home to have those freedoms restricted.  No matter how old we get, we still have to adhere to the rules of the house, and that's probably one of the biggest challenges, other than struggling through what seems to be an identity crisis, of returning home.

But let's consider a statement that I've come across while reading about intergenerational family communication.  The 21st century has experienced some demographic changes such has high unemployment rates, divorce, and other economic struggles, to name a few.  When faced with such challenges, Fowler and Fisher (2015) have claimed that "adult children may become 'boomerang kids' who return to the parental home"... and "parents' life satisfaction was reduced if they perceived their grown children as needing too much assistance" (p. 207). 

When I read this assertion I couldn't help but ruminate on a wave of negative thoughts. While I so often try to keep my head up, have faith, and dig deep to find the light at the end of the tunnel, this statement only reinforced everything that I really worry about at this point in my life. I immediately stopped and thought, "greeeaattt.  Not only am I a boomerang kid but my lack of financial success or hiatus in my career endeavors may be influencing my parents' life satisfaction.  I. Am. Awesome..."

Okay, yes, it's a negative response. But let's consider some of the factors that are causing individuals in a similar position like mine to negatively appraise such statements.  First and foremost, in a society that places high values on and expectations for individualism, it is hard to measure up to the cultural norms.  Especially being a member in a generation of young and emerging adults, we tend to place our priorities on achieving autonomy and establishing individual identity and maintaining personal freedom (Fowler and Fisher, 2015).  But, it is difficult for these priorities to come to fruition when we are returning to the nest. 

Second--and I am most to blame for this--we are comparing ourselves to our peers whom, we believe, have reached an adequate level of initial "success."  Whoever defined success anyway?  We have these ideas about what's supposed to make us successful during young adulthood: moving out, job security, income stability, viable transportation, and a relationship. And by God, if we haven't checked off a majority of that list, we feel a sense of failure. 

So, when we stop to think about these factors--struggling to live up to the cultural norms and comparing ourselves to our "successful" peers--we might start feeling a bit inadequate.  And then to read statements claiming that people like us may be negatively shaping our parents' life satisfaction creates a vicious cycle of self-depreciating thoughts.  I remember when I read this statement that my dad actually happened to walk in the door, so I read it out loud to him.  His response?

"Well, instead of reading me some fluffy research, why don't you just ask me whether or not I'm satisfied?"

Like we often do, dad and I had a long talk on the matter, and he made it very clear that he actually enjoys having me at home.  But, he does understand why I get so upset about being a 26-year old who still lives at home, struggling to find a place in this world and to settle into a career; and he understands why other parents might struggle with satisfaction, especially if their children aren't actually working toward anything and taking advantage of mommy and daddy. 

So, staying in this negative frame of mind only makes the situation worse. I've learned the hard way.  I'm still there... Unless we do fall into that minority of boomerang kids who are NOT working toward anything and are only taking advantage of mommy and daddy,we need to practice some cognitive restructuring. We need to realize that we are one of many in this same position, and that our time will eventually come.  It's the waiting that's the hard part.  It's having patience that's the biggest challenge.  There IS a light at the end of the tunnel, and we must hold on to faith that we will get there, and it will all be worth it in the end. 

Lastly, we are competing with nobody other than ourselves.  So unless your current financial and career endeavors are lack-luster, you are in pretty good shape.  It's a difficult concept to accept, but I continually have to restructure these negative thoughts and remind myself about what it is I'm working so hard for.  I made the choice to pursue this long path, and one day very soon it will all pay off. 

I'll leave you with something my dad always tells me, and it really helps to put everything into perspective:

It's not how you start; it's how you finish.

Keep calm and carry on.  Happy Monday! 

~Elizabeth

10 Common Concerns of a Poor Graduate Student

I really enjoy scrolling through my Facebook Newsfeed every night before I got to bed and in the morning before I tackle my daily duties.  It isn’t so much to tap into everybody’s personal concerns, but it’s to find all the cool articles that are floating around—some about relationships, others about professional development, and some about college humor.  Lately I’ve been reading some stuff about the struggles of graduate school, and they were hilariously spot-on according to my experiences so far.  In fact, now that my second graduate semester has started, I’ve been in the process of writing my own blog post regarding the struggles and stress that’s already taken precedence in my current state of life.  I also wrote one last March titled “The oxymorons of grad school.”  

While the following concerns are things that I and my graduate peers often joke about light-heartedly, they are also a source of major stress during our graduate journey.  But, we nonetheless appreciate our graduate careers, and in hindsight, probably wouldn’t change it for the world. Read on for a sense of what it’s like to be a poor graduate student.  Below are ten concerns I often face on a weekly basis that I KNOW my graduate friends can relate to. 

1. “Can I make it to campus and back home without having to stop for gas this week?”

Seriously, gas and money should never have to be in the same sentence.  It’s depressing.  It’s really pathetic when you’re forced to make the decision NOT to drive somewhere because your gas funds are just too limited. Yesterday I literally FREAKED OUT when I drove a half hour past my exit because I was in such a daze thinking about my thesis, the papers I had to grade, and the book for my class that still hasn’t been mailed yet.  “My gas tank cannot afford these stupid mistakes!,” I furiously thought to myself…  Funny now.  Yesterday? Not so much. 

2. Every penny counts.

Call me cheap, but when I’m broke, I make sure to get every last penny I deserve.  If someone owes me money for whatever reason (I sell Herbalife products, or maybe it’s a payback for a birthday gift), I quietly hope that he or she writes a check for the full 26 dollars and 52 cents.  It’s seriously painful and I have to force a smile through clenched teeth when I say, “oh, you’re paying cash?  Just give me the 25 bucks and call it even.” Every time I say that, those pennies add up!  Any other time wouldn’t be a problem, and most people make small deals like this out of common courtesy or to build rapport in client relationships.  But, when I’m a poor grad student, that extra dollar and 52 cents could probably buy me a much needed gas-station cappuccino. Because let’s face it.  I have to fill my tank up tomorrow anyway.  It might not be a skinny latte from Starbucks, but it’s caffeine. It works.  

3. Speaking of every penny, I like to roll my coins. 

I add all of my coins to a “college fund” piggy bank that’s been sitting on my desk since my first year at CMU.  I had been shopping at TJ Maxx for some college essentials, and I noticed a ceramic bowl with a lid that was titled “College Fund.”  I’ve been adding my coins to it ever since.  Last time I cashed in exactly 45 dollars of rolled change at my local bank. The bank teller thought it was a little odd since nobody really does that anymore, but seriously, I was 45 dollars richer!  It’s almost full again and I might be able to spare an extra fifty bucks.  Now I actually CAN fill up my entire tank!  

4. That look you get from your friends when you have to turn down a trip to the bar after class is seriously disappointing. 

Look dude, I’d really love to have some friendly chit-chat and grab some pizza and booze, but I have exactly 12 dollars and 36 cents in my wallet to last me the rest of the week. And I already received two emails saying my balance exceeds the limit I set on my credit card.  Give me a few weeks and I can maybe roll more change.  Then ask me to go out.  

5. Having an exciting variety in your lunch bag just isn’t an option.

Unless momma made a nice home-cooked meal last night and gave you the leftovers, the basic PB&J or plain turkey sammich on wheat bread is an afternoon luxury.  Sometimes you might get lucky and can spare an extra 5 or 6 bucks at subway for a footlong, or a nice Mexican cuisine from the salsa grille in the student center.  Savor these rare moments.  They are awesome.  But, typically in my case, I pack chewy bars and a cup of peanut butter, and I dip the granola bar into the peanut butter. My friends thought I was silly, but now they’re all hooked.  It’s like candy!  I urge you all to try it. 

6. Your student balance for printing costs is now down from 45 dollars to 6.25 and it’s only halfway through the semester. 

Hey prof, can I email you my assignments?  

7. If you’re a student worker or graduate assistant, it costs money to look professional on the job.

A cut and color is enough in itself and updating your wardrobe is never easy on the bank account.  Unless you have some real fancy-schmancy hand-me-downs, or your thrift store has a really awesome collection this month, you can guarantee that looking good for the job won’t always be cheap.  Let’s face it, wearing the same work clothes over and over will eventually cause them to fade and thin out, and nobody wants to be seen wearing the same outfit seven times a month, unless you’re some fashion guru and you’re really good at turning 15 articles of clothing into about 50 different outfits. Does anybody else rotate their colors each week?  On Wednesdays I wear pink. 

8. Feeling like you’re running out of patience.

I’m always telling my boyfriend that I must sound like a broken record when I constantly complain about this “holding pattern” in my life.  What if I don’t get the job I want?  Then grad school will have been a waste of time and money… Then what?  Where do I go from there?! All my peers have awesome jobs and their own houses and making good money and then there’s me.  Oh shit… what am I doing with my life?!

9. To go out or not to go out?

It’s a battle of the consciences when the decision to go out on the weekends (aka alcohol therapy) is made by weighing the importance of two options: would I rather spend my money to regain my sanity?  Or should I stay in, save my money, and work on my thesis? 

Soooooo, who reads a thesis anyway? It’s just money, right?  

10. And when you do go out…

Not only are you further behind on your academic responsibilities, but the brutal cycle of financial struggles starts all over again come Monday morning.  Hey, at least you had a good time.  That’s something money can’t buy.  Or does it? Shit, how much money do I have left? Where did I put my wallet?!  

As stressful as graduate school can be, it's also the best time of our lives.  It's the time when we meet an eclectic group of classmates and co-workers who become a big family, one big support system, and most importantly, life-long friends.  

Traffic Jams and the Choice to Let it Be

The following excerpt was unexpectedly inspired by a random traffic jam...

The Beatles, in my opinion, are some of the greatest songwriters of our time.  Not only did they set the stage for what music should generate in its listeners, but their lyrics are truly inspiring.  They are simple.  They are unique.  They are truly genuine.  I’d specifically like to recognize the ever so popular and beautifully crafted song, “Let it be.”  While the song may have a theological element behind it, the meaning can expand to all persons, regardless of their religious background or beliefs.  When I hear this song, I am reminded of the fact that our lives are unique—specifically molded by our daily experiences. We are all made to encounter happiness, challenges, setbacks, tragedies, success, and everything in between.  Sometimes, however, as we all know, particular encounters aren’t exactly welcomed with open arms.  And the biggest challenge is actually allowing ourselves to accept each and every circumstance.  Doing so will humble our minds, and eventually, God will give us what we so deserve.  It all begins with a choice.  

We all start each day with such a choice.  Simply, it’s about our attitude.  We all know that at some point in our lives, the popular mantra that “attitude is everything” was instilled in us by parents, teachers, coaches, etc.  That attitude is the direct reflection of our choices.  It is difficult to accept that particular series of events throughout the day can actually influence our attitude, but it’s ultimately our decision to allow something to put us in a good mood, bad mood, or something reflecting indifference.  This is not to say, however, that unfortunate circumstances can seriously inhibit a smooth-running day.  

Sometimes, certain events really do just…suck.   Like that seriously annoying traffic jam we all get stuck in for a half hour the day of an important meeting…  Or that irate, petulant driver that cuts us off….  And the construction that caused us to make a detour, making us late once again… I’m sure you can recount numerous set backs.  Really, they all suck. 

 I’ll be the first to admit that all of these situations seriously blow, and I’m easily annoyed or angered more than many of my fellow peers.  But I’ve slowly come to realize that letting these small circumstances ruin our day is not helping any of us in the long run.  And yes, it’s all SMALL stuff.  The moment I realized all  of this was when I was actually sitting in a traffic jam—irritated as could be—and that lovely sound I previously mentioned immediately rang in my ears as my fingers furiously searched the radio station.

Consider this:  You are stuck in a traffic jam that seems to be backed up for miles.  The meeting you are supposed to attend is starting in fifteen minutes.  You can see the long, wide curves slithering up and down the highway like a snake.  At this point, you figure you are still at least 25 minutes from the office.  As you continuously and vehemently switch from the gas to the brake, your body now begins to angrily rock back and forth from the constant stop and go of traffic.  You might even attempt switching lanes in efforts to get ahead in the fast lane, passing that Volkswagen creeping ever so slowly in front of you—only to find that several minutes later, the same Volkswagen is cruising past you in the adjacent lane. Now you’re really fuming. 

Let me give you a piece of advice.  Chill. Sit back, enjoy your surroundings, and appreciate some good music.  The traffic will not spontaneously subside, and getting angry about it will only make the situation worse.  We must choose to not let small things like this bother us.  But, let’s just say we choose the latter.  Here’s how the situation might unravel:  You being to bang your wheel, yell insanities and obscure language, and your whole body is tense.  The steering wheel is succumbed by your Kong Fu grip.  Your knuckles are pale white and your entire inner system is out of whack from only these few minutes of unwarranted stress. 
   
By the time you reach the office, the meeting is already in session.  You reach the elevator doors only to meet your boss inside.  You plead your apologies for being so late, and your boss immediately draws the conclusion that, he too, was stuck in the same traffic jam. He pats you on the shoulder and says something like this: 

 “Relax. Just call next time and let somebody know why you are running late.  These things do happen.  I told everyone to start some discussions in the meeting until I arrive.”

Now, an entire weight has been lifted and your stomach is no longer hanging down by your toes.  You ask yourself what you were so worried about.  This boss who was so understanding and compassionate seems to already know how to choose the higher road of accepting daily circumstances.  But what about those of you who have not had the luxury of such a compassionate leader?  Not to worry—your time will come.  But if not, just realize in the meantime that you can never let someone control your attitude.  Yes, we may get frustrated, but we are in control of our own temperament. 

Let us return to the moment when we are stuck in that traffic jam, but consider an example far worse.  This traffic jam is actually the effect of a major accident.  After several minutes of extreme stress and tension—white knuckles and all—you slowly approach the scene of the accident, all of which is quite gory.  Your then feel like a complete idiot for getting so angry; so, you decide to thank the Lord for being fortunate enough to be alive and healthy today.  But why not thank Him beforehand? Why does it take unfortunate events for us to open our minds?  To realize not to take each day for granted?  I will once again admit that my mind was closed for very long until a series of terrible circumstances (not necessarily in my own life) motivated me to start making the choice to lead a positive life.  
   
Now, at times like this, I strive to seize the opportunity to listen to my favorite music while sitting in a traffic jam.  It’s okay if I’m a little late for work.  This is not to say that being late isn’t stressful, but stressing out more than necessary is not conducive to creating a sense of inner peace.  I have the rest of my life to work.  Ten or twenty minutes at the office can wait.  

 This illustration of a simple traffic jam is one of many different circumstances that may deter our ability to choose to accept circumstances as they occur in our daily lives.  They may impede our ability to choose to live in each current moment. And remember, special moments only last for so long.  Thus, we must learn to accept the present circumstance—for even the bad, annoying, or tragic moments teach us to appreciate to truly good moments, which are sometimes few and far between.  Choose to let it be—that, I assure you, is to truly live. 

Critique: Relational Dialectics Theory

The following excerpt is a theory critique paper I wrote last semester during my graduate studies career regarding communication amidst the constant evolution of relationships.  While I do not expect anyone to meticulously read through the whole thing, I hope that at least skimming through the concepts will generate that "Ah ha!" reaction in readers, enlightening them, as I so was, on some of the concepts of relational communication.  And I hope that such concepts can be applied to your own relationships, as I have pragmatically applied in my own relational endeavors.  Good luck!  

.................................................................................................................................................................

“Nothing is perfect. Life is messy. Relationships are complex. Outcomes are uncertain. People are irrational.” The preceding quote by Hugh Mackay is perhaps an excellent explanation of the dynamism of all types of relationships. Consider the third simple statement which embraces a multitude of meaning: Relationships are complex.  Never are they a static entity, but rather they shift, they turn, and they progress back and forth by way of dialogic interactions. As one of the most important, yet perhaps most difficult aspect of our lives, relationships are a fascinating phenomenon because of the unique role communication plays in their creation and development. As a highly relevant matter in every aspect of our lives, relationships have earned a great deal of attention from communication scholars.  Everywhere we go, we encounter one relationship to the next, from the moment we wake up and to the moment we lie back down. Every day, our communication dictates the degree and the directional shift of each relationship.  Littlejohn and Foss (2011) write that “these contexts [relationships] are more than containers in which conversation happens” (p. 229).  Rather, communication creates, maintains, and develops each relationship.  “Relationships don’t just happen; they are created and maintained through communication…How you communicate with others, then, really does matter” (Littlejohn & Foss, 2011, p. 255).  The success of each type of relationship, then, is determined by the way we communicate.  Because every human is unique with his or her own identity and desires, relationships of all kinds require constant attention and mutual endeavors to reach a happy medium. Based upon these communicative behaviors and mutual efforts to develop relationships, Baxter and Montgomery’s Relational Dialectics Theory (RDT) is an excellent theory in the communication discipline in understanding the constant flux and flow of relationships and the active, purposeful management of natural and emergent tensions within each relationship—whether in familial, organizational, friendship, or romantic realms.  
 

If we reflect upon the important—and even trivial—relationships in our lives, we may come to the realizations that, as relationships continually develop, the potential to encounter conflict and tension escalates concurrently.  Consider a romantic relationship: While the beginning is full of the wide-eyed infatuation and honeymoon phase, over time, partners learn more about each other while coming to realize their differences, and thus conflict ultimately emerges.  No one person is equally the same, so relational differences is something to be embraced.  Littlejohn and Foss (2011) support this notion in their explanation that life is full of contradiction and cannot be escaped.  “We should not ask whether there is something wrong with contradiction; rather, we should communicate to manage it well” (p. 257).  Relational Dialectics Theory explicates this notion of communication as the means for managing differences, and thus creating meaning between individuals (Baxter & Braithwaite, 2008).  Because relationships and the differences that emerge among them are such an integral part of life, Relational Dialectics is a pragmatic theory for understanding relationships from one context to another.  Extending on the work of Mikhail Bakhtin’s Theory of Dialogics (Littlejohn & Foss, 2011), and with historical roots based on the Yin and Yang (Baxter & Montgomery, 1996), the theory is characterized based on the inherent power of dialogue in not only creating relationships but also managing the differences that emerge.  After all, it is through dialogue that similarities and differences are revealed, and thus through further dialogue in which they are managed.  Such dialogue—often opposing discourses—is the process by which meaning-making takes place, which is a major proposition of RDT (Baxter & Braithewaite, 2008). The theory then can be thought of as a concept explaining relationships in a constant state of motion via dialogic interactions, and the term dialectic refers to the natural tensions or contradictions which are managed through such dialogue. 

The theory is further explained by Littlejohn and Foss (2011) whom elucidate four vantage points posited by Baxter.  Aside from the basic idea that relationships are literally made through dialogue, perhaps an important concept of relationships is that, even in light of individual differences, unity can be achieved “through the dynamic interplay between centrifugal and centripetal forces—those that push us apart and those that pull us together, those that create a sense of chaos and those that provide a feeling of coherence” (Littlejohn & Foss, p. 246)”. The precise definition of the words centripetal and centrifugal does not matter as much as the basic concept behind dialectical tensions: relationships will experience multiple contradictions because of the individual differences among partners, and through dialogue, partners will manage such tensions to create convergence even among diversity.  Parallel to this notion is the proposition asserted by Baxter and Braithewaite (2008) that meanings emerge from different discourses: “To engage in everyday dialogue, participants must fuse their perspectives to some extent while sustaining the uniqueness of their individual perspectives” (p. 351). Thus, amidst the struggles of opposing perspectives and discourses, individuals can come to an understanding, or convergence, in a process of meaning-making via dialogue—the ongoing back-and-forth conversations.  Consider, for example, two best friends who each hold opposing perspectives or values, but have mutually reached a middle ground by way of discussing their differences.  Rather than being pitted against one another, the two friends still maintain their own differences while simultaneously creating convergence in their relationship.  The concepts posed in RDT, then, significantly help individuals understand how their individuality and diversity work in tandem within their relationships.

Relational Dialectics Theory outlines several contradictions often experienced in relationships. There are multiple major dialectics or contradictions, which in the theory are called clusters (Littlejohn & Foss, 2011), but some common ones are generally found within relationships. One commonly known cluster is the tension between autonomy and connectedness—also known as integration and separation—where individuals desire to be connected to others but still have a need to maintain their individuality.  In some friendships or romantic relationships, one partner may have a higher desire for connection, while another may desire more autonomy, and they must manage these differences for the relationship to be successful.  The integration/separation dialectic is a primary strain in all relationships (Griffin, 2003).  Another cluster is openness and closedness (or expression and non-expression), which deals with the desire to disclose information versus the need to keep it private.  Relationships may experience some turbulence if one partner desires high levels of information sharing while the other is closed off.  On the contrary, even if both partners are similar in their disclosure behaviors, they must manage which information is shared and which information is private (Griffin, 2003).  Each type of relationship encounters these contradictions and many more, and partners must decide how to manage them which ultimately determines the directional shift of the relationship. 

   Regarding the theory’s postulations on the flux and flow of relationships, Relational Dialectics opposes other theoretical views on the linear development (also known as the serial view) of relationships.  In an article titled “Relational progression as dialectic: Examining turning points in communication among friends,” Johnson, Wittenberg, Villagran, Mazur, and Villagran (2003) challenge the serial view of relationship development by positing that, based on the degree of particular relationships, relational development is not just a progressive or linear process where individuals strive to reach a high level of development as suggested by early theoretical perspectives.   The authors also argue that many theories regarding stages of relationship development apply mostly to romantic relationships, but do not necessarily explain the varying degrees of friendships where intimacy levels may be lower than others.  Relational Dialectics Theory, however, holds a non-serial view of relationship development and examines the constant shifts and turns in relationships, positing that they are not always balanced.  Regarding the dynamic and ever-evolving nature of relationships, the non-serial view of relational development is a breath of fresh air.  Johnson et al. (2003) write that “Baxter and Montgomery (1996) call for a redefinition of the term relational development, which they claim suggests a serial view of growth to greater levels of such variables as interdependence, loving, and openness, to relational change process, which recognizes that relationships are continually being modified” (231), and suggest that relational development itself can be dialectic.  There are indeed many turning points in relationships, either for the better or the worse, and individuals must manage their engrained differences.  West and Turner (2004) explain this non-serial view in their 12^th chapter of Introducing Communication Theory: Analysis and Application on the theory relational dialectics: 

 

Perhaps the most positive appeal of the theory is that it seems to explain the push and pull people experience in relationships much better than some of the other, more linear, theories of relational life. Most people experience their relationships in ebb-and-flow patterns, whether the issue is intimacy, self-disclosure, or something else. That is, relationships do not simply become more or less of something in a linear, straight-line pattern. Instead, they often seem to be both/and as we live through them. Dialectics offers a compelling explanation for this both/and feeling. (par. 2)

Relational Dialectics is a significant theory regarding its realistic postulations of relational maintenance and development for all types of relationships.  The non-serial view that relationships do not develop linearly, but rather, shift back and forth applies to the realistic nature of relationships.   While at first glance Relational Dialectics may seem to essentially apply to romantic relationships, certain contradictions are present and managed in all types of relationships, and Johnson et al. (2003) effectively elucidate the ways in which RDT sheds light on various patterns of relationship development versus the linear progression that many other theories suggest.  The theory then deserves its very merit, especially regarding the implication that contradictions in relationships are managed and maintained via back-and-forth communication by both parties.  Indeed, individuals actively manage tensions in relationships through dialogue, thus reinforcing the underlying, constitutive view that communication literally creates (and manages) our very relationships. 

While Relational Dialectics is a significant theory in the realm of interpersonal communication, some criticisms come with any theory along with its credits.  Littlejohn and Foss (2011) outline certain criteria for evaluating theory. The first principle involves examining a theory’s scope, which is its comprehensiveness or generality.  This means that the explanations of a theory are covered over a broad spectrum or at least cover a narrow range of events but can be applied to a large number of situations.  It would seem plausible to assert that RDT has a sufficient theoretical scope regarding the fact that it applies to all types of interpersonal relationships.  Indeed, the theory “can be applied to richly different situations [i.e. different types of relationships and unique circumstances] and still be helpful” (Littlejohn & Foss, 2011, p. 34).  However, because relational dialectics are so unique to each relationship and specific situations, making universal generalizations creates challenges.  While it does illuminate some insights based on specific instances or among specific types of relationships, such discernments cannot necessarily be applied across varying relational situations.  For example, a friendship is much different than romantic relationships, so dialectical tensions such as autonomy and connection may be completely different across situations, the type of the relationships, and the unique individuals involved.  Even if scholars were to examine two romantic relationships of similar length or status, individual needs for autonomy and connection would vary because of the uniqueness of each individual and the dynamism of the relationship.   While we can assume that each relationship essentially experiences the same—or at least most of the same—contradictions, the experiences will still vary from one relationship or context to the next.

Nonetheless, this notion regarding the challenge with generalizations should not be taken to assume that RDT does not have a significant theoretical scope.  Although generalizations across varying relationships are not always probable when applying this theory, it is interpretive in nature and alludes to a search for understanding.  Baxter and Braithewaite (2008) write that “the goal of RDT is to show how particular meanings are socially constructed and sustained through every day communicative activities” (p. 350).  Specific circumstances within specific relationships can then be examined and individuals can reach an understanding of how opposing discourses—dialogic processes—allow individuals to create meaning with one another.  Therefore, the theory also holds heuristic value, which is based on its ability to aid in learning and discovery, or to specifically “generate new ideas for research and additional theory” (Littlejohn & Foss, 2011, p. 35).  Being that it applies to all types of unique relationships, West and Turner (2004) write that “it offers an expansive view of relationships and has generated several studies even in the short time that Baxter has been delineating the theory” (par. 2).  Just a simple electronic search for scholarly articles on relational dialectics generates a multitude of results exploring the differences experienced among a large number of contextual circumstances and diverse relationships, which is further testimony to the heuristic nature of RDT.  Therefore, an understanding of the theory’s concepts may enlighten individuals on the dynamic and ever-evolving nature of their multiple relationships, in which they can apply the concepts to cognitively understand the why and the how behind the variability of their relationships. 

Because RDT examines the constant flux and flow of relationships, and while it may help individuals understand the evolving nature of their relationships, the theory does not offer predictions for how to actually handle their relational dialectics like other theories may often propose.  Therefore, there may be some disagreement regarding its validity, which is another major criterion for evaluating theory.  Littlejohn and Foss (2011) write that “validity is the truth value of a theory” which “is not intended to mean absolute unchanging fact; rather, there may be a variety of ‘truth values’ in an experience” (p. 35).  As previously discussed, generalizability— which is one of the three types of validity—is not something that can necessarily be grasped from Relational Dialectics Theory.  Littlejohn and Foss (2011) write that this type of validity “applies almost exclusively to traditional, discovery-oriented, law-like theories” (p. 35).  Rather, RDT is a non-traditional theory.  Therefore, this non-traditional theory may create challenges if individuals are seeking strategies for improving the tensions in their relationships.  West and Turner (2004) explain this notion based on two possibilities: “This problem may be the result of the relative youth of dialectics as a theoretical frame for relational life, or it may result from differing goals: Traditional theory seeks prediction and final statements about communication phenomena; Dialectics operates from an open-ended, ongoing viewpoint” (par. 4).  Perhaps the limitation to make predictions should not be negatively appraised, but rather, the pragmatic and interpretive nature of the theory should be embraced.  Such a heuristic value enables individuals to reflect upon their own relationships and to approach each circumstance with an open mind and a yearning to create understanding through ongoing discourse, rather than seeking a step-by-step guide-book for reaching an ultimate level of high-development.  After all, relationships can never reach an end of development as long as the relationship is still alive.  The constant variability, and the mutual effort by both parties to manage their differences, help create an appreciation among partners and is what may make relationships so exciting. 

While RDT may not meet the standards for generalizability, it can be argued that it is still valid regarding another form of validity: value.  Littlejohn and Foss write that value “refers to the importance or utility of the theory” and that value “is the primary form of validity in practical theories” (p. 35).  Therefore, RDT holds inherent value because of the practicality of the theory—despite the fact that it embraces non-traditional theoretical concepts.  The tensions we experience in our relationships are an integral part of daily life, and RDT therefore effectively explains such intricate relational elements.  As a pragmatic theory, then, RDT meets another major criterion of openness.  Because it is a youthful theory and operates from an open-ended viewpoint—as previously pointed out by West and Turner (2004)—it meets the evaluative standard of openness.  Littlejohn and Foss (2011) write that a practical theory “is open to other possibilities…the construction is a way of looking rather than a reproduction of reality.  It admits to diversity and invites dialogue with other perspectives” (p. 36).  Thus, because RDT captures the diversity of each type of relationship and is seen through an interpretive lens, one can argue that it successfully meets the criteria for openness.  If Baxter’s primary and intrinsic goal was to elucidate how relational differences can be managed through dialogue, and how unity can be achieved even among diversity, the theory itself then can surely be modified or at least open to other possibilities.  Otherwise, any rejection of openness would essentially debunk the very elements posited by the theory. 

Circling back to the opening quote, we know from our relational experiences that nothing is perfect, life is messy, relationships are complex, and outcomes are uncertain. Baxter and Montgomery’s Relational Dialectics Theory elucidates this notion rather well.  We learn from the theory’s elements that each relationship experiences ongoing contradictions, and it is through dialogic processes in which relationships are created and differences are managed, which ultimately influences the degree of each relationship.  Although it is a non-traditional theory, and while some scholars may question its merit as a theory because it is absent of prediction (Griffin 2003), Relational Dialectics is a significant theory for offering specific insights on the challenges people face regarding the individual differences in relationships and is a further testimony to the very importance and power of dialogue in creating and maintaining relationships.  Griffin (2003) suggests that RDT should be evaluated based on its interpretive standards rather than the traditional approach to other theories.  From an interpretive perspective, then, RDT offers a great deal of enlightenment regarding the inherent conflict that any and all relationships are bound to face, and how dialogue works to create unity even among diversity.  And that, I suppose, is something to be embraced.  

References

Baxter, L. A. & Braithwaite, D. O. (2008). Relational Dialectics Theory.  In L. A. Baxter & D. O. Braithwaite (Eds.), Engaging theories in interpersonal communication: Multiple perspectives (pp. 349-361). Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage.

Baxter, L. A. & Montgomery, B. M. (1996) Relating: Dialogues and dialectics.  New York: Guilford Press.

Griffin, E. (2003). A First Look at Communication Theory. Boston, MA: McGraw Hill.  Retrieved from http://www.afirstlook.com/edition_7/theory_resources/Relational _Dialectics

Johnson, A. J., Wittenberg, E., Villagran, M. M., Mazur, M., & Villagran, P. (2003). Relational progression as dialectic: Examining turning points in communication among friends.  Communication Monographs, 70(3), 230-249.

Littlejohn, S. W. & Foss, K. A. (2011). Theories of human communication. (10^th ed.). Long Grove, Illinois: Waveland Press, Inc. 

West, R. & Turner, L. H. (2004). Introducing Communication Theory: Analysis and Application. (2^nd. Ed). Retrieved from http://highered.mcgraw-hill.com/sites/0767430344 /student_view0/chapter12/