Good evening! This is my very first attempt at a blog, and as I peruse the website and make my profile, I'm not exactly sure how this will turn out or what crazy mistakes or hiccups I might be making along the way.
But, before I get sucked into the world of blogging and sharing my often-late-night inspirations with the world of cyberspace, I thought my first blog attempt might include some cute, silly or sarcastic, and even some cynical humor about who I am.
The following post was written a few days ago in the wee hours of the night, and I was in one of my not-so-chipper, sarcastic moods. So, while some of this blog might seem cute, other parts may carry a bit of a bitchy aura. Some individuals may like it, some may hate it; and that's totally cool. I mean, it's a blog, right? My first post at that! Take it for what it's worth.
So, without any further rambling, I give you a little bit of me...
1. I am a hopeless romantic, yet I am often succumbed by dangerously high
levels of cynicism. Like, dude, just because I let you buy me a drink at
the bar and was nice enough to carry on a civil conversation with you,
does not mean I want to sleep with you. Back the ef off.
2. I
don't sleep well at night. It's quite common to find me hoarding the
kitchen anywhere between 1am and 4am, indulging myself with cereal,
chips and salsa, or ice cream--out of the gallon. With a fork.
That's the only way to do it, people. Let's get that straight. How else
are you gonna dig out all the good stuff?!
3. Regarding the above fact: that's probably why I'll never lose those last five pounds no matter how hard I try.
4. I'm a
girl. Which means I will never be satisfied with my body, no matter how
much I work work out, count calories, or how many compliments I might
get. It's in our feminine nature. And when we want to pig out on carbs
or ice cream because we're upset, don't try "helping" by telling us
we're exceeding our caloric intake for the day: because the only thing
you'll get is a bitchy stare that screams "I will cut you."
5. I'm not a jealous or vindictive person, but when people ramble on about
themselves or how amazing their lives are, I just want to punch them in
the face. This is not to say I don't feel elation for other people's
happiness. I totally do! But don't be that person that rubs in your perfect little
life, especially to those who may not have seen their own success yet. That's the quickest way to make me LOATHE you.
6. Some of my biggest pet peeves are when people walk slow in front of me
(put a little pep in your step buddy, I got places to be and shit to
do), refuse to move over and leave walking room on the sidewalk (I
really didn't want to be forced to get snow in my sneakers, but now I
guess my toes will have frostbite all night. Thanks dip-shit), or walk
on the wrong side of the aisle in the grocery store! I mean, we're
pushing carts with four wheels; is it NOT common sense to adopt the
rules of the road? I mean, I know Walmart has a lot of freak shows, but
is everyone there THAT stupid?
7. Aside from my parents, I love my
dog more than anything in the world. Despite her oddly entertaining
sense of humor (like, who chases their tail when you tell her to "go
potty," or, "get your leash," or "go see dad," or simply, "sit"?!...or
Plays "keep away" instead of "fetch" - she's a golden retriever!) she's
my baby girl and I'd literally go crazy if anyone hurt her. Oh, and
I'm allergic to her and still let her sleep in my room...Every. Single.
Night. If that's not true love I don't know what is.
8. When
arrogant people ask me "well what are you gonna do with a communication
degree?" with an air of ignorance and impudence, I think about telling
them that, once I'm a kick ass professor, their kids will one day pay for their brash, douche-bag inquiry so freely expressed as to me as their
"inferior" waitress.
9. I have an identical twin sister who is very
successful, and I am the first to admit that I envy her in more ways than one. Butttt as much as I often want to hate her because I think she's better than me, I love her very much. We are very similar yet completely different, and most
people would say I'm the "evil twin," perhaps because I am more serious or come across as a
cynical or sarcastic bitch... I guess that judgment is yours to make.
10. Although I'm 25 years old and depressed at the fact
that I'm going through a quarter life crisis and still live with mommy
and daddy, my parents are quite possibly the coolest people in the
world. here are a few facts:
My mom is an amazing cook and
it's a miracle I'm not 500 pounds. Guys, don't expect me to be half the
cook she is. Mom is also a tiny little thing and is really fun to hug
because you can literally wrap your arms all the way around her or toss
her around like a rag doll (I don't suggest trying the latter). She's
not very athletic (sorry mom, got those skills from dad), but can
remodel and fix up a house. Like a BOSS. She has an amazing ear for
harmony which I, unfortunately, was not lucky enough to inherit. Dammit.
Daddy is the king of the world. I'm also his baby girl which
means one thing: You fuck with me, you fuck with him... He has polished a
gun when a boy on a bike picked me up for a first date. Dad also likes
to ramble random poems out of the blue about our lives or silly events
(the drunken night I bruised my tailbone while trying to get my pants
off is the most recent one of late)... He's incredibly smart. Don't
attempt carrying on a debate in politics or anything of the sort. That
is unless you want to lose. And although he can be quite stubborn at
times, he's fricken hilarious and pretty much the coolest dude on the
planet.
.........................................
As for anyone, this list could continue for miles, and perhaps another late night will see some of my inner workings of the mind making their way to my laptop. For now, good night bright bloggers, and I hope my first attempt at blogging wasn't as completely pathetic as I think ;)
-Elizabeth
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