You want a happy relationship? Pay attention to the way you communicate!

People have often asked me, that after learning of my college major, “what the heck are you going to do with a communication degree?”  Well, the typical answer is that there are many career opportunities to be pursued, but I study communication for a very definitive reason.  

First and foremost, I want to be a speech and communication professor, preferably at a community college.  But my ultimate career goal is only half the reason why I chose to pursue an education in the communication discipline.

As a graduate student pursuing my masters in communication, I am eager to learn and grow exponentially as an individual who desires to develop and maintain successful relationships.  Although communication, at its very core, is a fascinating subject, I study it not only for my ultimate career goals, but I do so in order to apply the concepts I learn to my daily life—ultimately, as a pragmatic effort to create and sustain happy, successful relationships with family, friends, and significant others. 

A typical response to the question I so often receive about my intentions to use my communication degree is as follows:

 Me: Have you ever thought about your relationships and why they are the way they are? 

 (Most) People: (with a pondering look) “Hmm, sometimes I suppose, but not really.

 Me: Well, I can assure you that your relationships are the way that they are (good, bad, or just, “meh”) because of the way you and your partner (or friend, or family member) communicate with each other.  I want to be that person teaching young adults how to effectively communicate in order to maintain successful relationships. 

You know the old saying “a happy wife is a happy life.”  Expand that notion to all other individuals in particular relationships, and we can all definitely agree that this is a worthy statement.  But what exactly is it that makes our relationships happy or unhappy? 

Let’s start with communication.  Communication is literally the way that we express our innate desires, needs, wants, passions, opinions, interests, etc.  Not only does our verbal dialogue express the inner workings of our mind, but our nonverbal behavior is an extremely powerful communicative element.

If we really stop and think about the way we communicate—what we say, what we do, how we think, and how we respond to each other—we could quite possibly prevent many problems as well as enhance the quality of our relationships. 

Okay, so communication is key for a successful relationship.  Blah blah blah. That’s obvious.  Everybody seems to know that.  But if everybody knew that, why do so many relationships experiences numerous setbacks?  What is it about communication and relationships that isn’t as perceptible?  

Let us consider a romantic relationship.  Romantic relationships are where we generally experience the most passion, joy, happiness, stress, anger, and frustration all at different times.  It is easy to communicate when things are going well, but as soon as shit hits the fan, many couples lack the proper tools or understanding of how to communicate with their partner.  

We often tend to forget that every person is unique, and because of our differences, relationships carry a lot of tensions, or in scholarly terms, “dialectics.”  Although theory (uh oh, she just said theory.  Yes, I know what you’re thinking… theory is mundane… it can be daunting…yikes!) is often a very boring subject of study, learning the theories of interpersonal communication has really enlightened my view of relationships and how communication directly influences the degree of our relationships.  One particular theory entitled “Relational Dialectics Theory” explains how individual differences, or tensions, give way to the constant flux and flow of relationships.  Because let’s be real.  No relationship is a static entity.  They are always evolving, and they aren’t evolving in a linear fashion either.  There are ups and down, twists and turns, and forward and backward progressions, much like that of a roller coaster.  We must adapt to the changes as they come if we want to keep things running smoothly.  

How can this be done?  Through communication—our very dialogue—and not only what we say, but how we say it and how our actions back it up.  

I do not want to bore my readers with an essay on theoretical concepts of communication in relationships, but I mentioned above that one such theory has really enlightened my perspective on how communication works in relationships. If you are feeling brave, I have dedicated a separate blog post on the topic of Relational Dialectics Theory (see the link below) that I wrote for one of my graduate courses.  And although a bit lengthy, I highly recommend at least reviewing the concepts discussed, for it is truly enlightening regarding the constant evolution of relationships, and how our very communication lends to the “flux and flow” of our relationships, and essentially, how it “makes or breaks” them.   

Relational Dialectics Theory

Happy Reading,

Elizabeth